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What I was wishing for, in wishing that he was still alive, was that he would have deadened down a bit, closed his heart, lied about who he was and what he needed. Before I latch on to a new thought: Point being, out of that came a new emphasis. I had an unquestioned, unconscious belief that myself was an object that limited and harmed the real me. Which includes irritability and not liking irritability and not liking not liking irritability and so on to infinity. The image of the one who woke up through this seeing.
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But it is obvious. I read everything I could get my hands on. But the best guess based on the available evidence, is that he was killed by a bear while he went to get another part of a moose he had killed. The night had not yet lifted as I glided along, poles clicking with each step. I started to notice that I was conditioned to resist my experience whenever certain feeling states occurred. The other effect was to trigger the self-centered, possessive mechanism that wants to claim everything as its own. And because it seems so real in its impermanence. Because when I contemplate things, I often get plunged into them directly, experientially, without any protection. I meditated upon it. As though it was all-important. And just a few moments ago one of our exchanges reminded me of a story that I then shared with him.
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